From Uncertainty to Known

“The unknown kind of sucks.”

I don’t know that my friend’s words did justice to the news he’d just received. But even if he hadn’t just gotten shocking news, don’t we often think the unknown sucks?

One reason we think the unknown sucks is that we are holding two opposing thoughts in mind. These thoughts try to wrestle each other into submission, and to make matters worse, we often wrestle both, trying in vain to make one the victory while wishing the other would disappear.

What we rarely stop to consider is that – while sucking – uncertainty is a normal state. We cannot ride life’s whims without experiencing some conflict and uncertainty. If it sucks, perhaps it is supposed to. Tension and dissonance in one’s own thoughts is normal and always resolves.

The other thing about uncertainty is that we assume we are feeling competing future situations. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that we never feel any situation, current or future, directly. We feel our thoughts about situations, and that is a much different understanding than believing we can actually feel the future directly.

This understand, while accurate, can often seem like a double edged sword. When worried, we understand that our worries neither accurately predict the future nor effectively ward off our fears from fruition. When hopeful, we enjoy it, but we remember that hope guarantees nothing.

And yet, with this understanding, perhaps a new wisdom and certainty settles in, a certainty that lies so deep inside it feels more universal than it does personal. With this certainty, perhaps we will come to know….

A courage to be strong enough to handle anything that comes our way;

A belief that life is good, even when it appears otherwise;

A confidence that things will work out;

A desire to shine brilliantly;

An honor in the way we carry ourselves through the darkness;

A knowledge that we live forever in the hearts and minds of those who love us;

A faith in a heavenly afterlife (or if you prefer, a merciful fading away to where started);

An understanding that we have today, and that’s all we ever get.

Best wishes. Be aware, be awake, and be alive today.

Feeding Your Self(-Talk)

As I more often understood and remembered that my thoughts or feelings are free from external control, it occurred to me that I wanted to change my vocabulary. Or perhaps more to the point, I realized that what I said to myself and others contradicted my messages when I used certain phrases that I have used for the majority of my lifetime.

One of those changes is that I try to remember not to say anything like…

that makes me happy,
that drives me crazy,
this makes me angry.

The word makes implies external control, and that doesn’t exist.

Instead, I try to use phrases like, I am happy about that or I’m upset about that. The word about is the key for my mind (you may have others that seem to work better for you).

This recognizes that the thought/feeling is mine and free from external control. Nothing makes me feel a certain way, but I am free to feel any way about anything.

After that, I try to remember that I don’t truly control my reactions either, so there is no need to cast self-blame and fuel further frustration over a reaction I don’t control. For example, I find many people are not only upset about a situation, they are further upset about being upset. Having too many thoughts and feelings about feelings seems to be quite exhausting, particularly when the thoughts and feelings are negative***.

My reactions are what they are based on a number of factors, some of which I am aware of, some of which I am not. No matter what my reaction, I try to find my influence, which is my can do thought or action that makes the most sense to me.

I like to think of finding my influence as feeding (or fueling) my self-communication, and I try to be as nutritious as possible (with a cheat day thrown in once in a while because, hey, I’m human and imperfect).

If I like my thoughts and feelings, cool. I usually find that I can keep feeding that state with more positive thoughts.

If I don’t like my thoughts or feelings, I try to starve them by replacing them with the understanding that a feeling can’t hurt me or control me (mentally, emotionally, or physically), and I try to keep my composure. Composure and emotional control aren’t the same thing, although I do suspect many people think of them and use them interchangeably (and that’s fine, although I would contend not optimal). True emotional control doesn’t exist as far as I can tell. Composure is keeping a calm, cool demeanor even though you are boiling emotionally. Put yet another way, composure is knowing you have influence and believing you can even when your emotions or the circumstances seem to be pointing to can’t.

The more I trust I am allright and free to change my mind, the quicker the unpleasant thoughts and feelings seem to leave. After remembering that I am free from all types of control, internal and external, I then try to awaken to my own influence. What can I do about this? What thoughts come to mind? If I don’t like this thought or feeling, fine…..can I change my experience in this moment by having a certain thought occur to me?

If a positive thought occurs to me, I try to feed it and see where the feelings go from there. Sometimes the thoughts are familiar to me, and sometimes they are true insights, new and unique ways of seeing the world. In any case, I try to see if I can feed the positive and starve the negative.

Of course, I make mistakes and buy into illusions of control at times, sleep on possibilities, and screw up plays on a daily basis. When I catch myself doing so, I try to starve the negative and feed my self-communication nutritiously again with as much positivity as occurs to me. This cycle repeats as I try to live a life aware, awake, and alive to making plays.

I happen to believe that our self-communication is one way of feeding our thoughts and emotions, so it seems important to feed it nutritiously. Pay attention to your vocabulary and the implications your words point to. I think you will find that your vocabulary points either toward or away from illusions of control, awareness of possibilities, and influence to make plays. Here’s to hoping you frequently find self-talk that feeds a sense of freedom, mental clarity, and personal power.

***Truth be told, I am not a fan of the terms positive and negative. I am using them here because other people are fans of them, and frankly, I can’t come up with anything better at the moment. Please realize that positive and negative are vague terms open to personal interpretation.

Finding the Light of Love

The third key in making the play is to be alive. In this week of connecting to the light inside of us, I think it helps to think of this light as love (and there are good reasons why it makes sense to think this way, including the hot rush of adrenaline we can get when doing something we love). It doesn’t matter what type of love, it’s simply a loving, warm, thought and feeling. This love could be used to connect with another person or it could be used to build something out of wood and nails. The medium doesn’t matter. The love behind it is what drives it all.

If you think of love, it’s one of those things that never really runs out of supply. We think it does. It seems like it does. But if you find someone who is very loving, they will tell you that the more we love others and the world around us, the more love we have in reserve when we need it. The tank is always full no matter how much we use. In fact, it seems like using love in the tank fills it with even more love.

If you can’t find it for a moment, relax. It’s not lost. It never goes away. It’s only temporarily hidden from your view. Be confident that no person and no thing, not even you, can dull your love.

Love is in you and your world even when it appears to be gone. Other emotions are connected to love in ways we rarely consider. When feeling anger, we are energized to defend something we love. When feeling fear, we are scared we might lose something we love. When anxious, we are fearful about what may or may not happen to something we love. Surprise and disgust are sudden distractions from, or even toward, love. Happiness is warm love. Love is the fire. Love is the burning passion. It’s like our sun. It’s the fuel for life, and it’s always burning bright no matter what the emotional weather. It’s all love in various disguises.

So here’s a question to ponder: What do you want to get done? Do you want to point people toward having a good day? Do you want to coach a team the best you can? Do you need to solve a mechanical problem?

Whatever the plays of your life, find the love, connect to it, and use its energy to be alive and make the play.

Be Alive

In order to make plays, it helps to trust that you are a bright, shining, brilliant being who is capable of doing great things big and small, and when you let your light shine, you can serve as a reminder to others that they too have the light of life within them.

Be alive with the energy and enthusiasm of life and make plays! Whatever it is you have to do, do it. Whatever it is you desire to do, get after it. You are a living, breathing, blood pumping, thinking, feeling human, so get moving! Use your influence. Connect and communicate with others. Pursue the life you want to live. Make plays! And when you miss a play, let it go with the understanding that this moment is always filled with more opportunities to make another play.

The more you connect to others and your craft, the more your eyes will be awake to the possible plays in each moment, and the more you will be involved in making those plays. The more you make plays and bounce back from missing plays, the more aware you will be that you need not be in control to have a strong trust in your own influence. You can rise about the situation and make plays no matter what the circumstances.

Be aware, be awake, and be alive. Exercise those keys in any order, and making the play will become your way of life.

Keys to Making the Play

Keys to Consistently Making the Play…

I mentioned in a previous post (Making the Play) that there are no absolute musts to making the play, but if you want to make plays consistently, there are certain keys that you should understand and follow as often as possible. This is a quick overview of those keys. Each one will be the subject of subsequent blog posts.

The Keys: Be Aware. Be Awake. Be Alive.

Be Aware

In order to make plays, it helps to be grounded in an accurate understanding of reality.

Be aware of illusions of control. While perceptions of control are real, true control is an illusion. Anything you believe you control is temporary at best. Too many people become frustrated and confused when they confront their lack of control, and this blocks their ability to make plays in the moment.

Belief in control always requires conditions and limits, and ultimately it is disappointing and confusing.

The antidote to the illusion of control is trust. Trust that even when you momentarily lose focus, effort, attitude, or peak physical performance, you are still capable of using your influence to make plays.

Trust in the power of your influence only requires possibility, and ultimately breeds clarity and freedom.

Be Awake
In order to make plays, it helps to see that you are surrounded by plays to be made each and every second of your life.

Be awake to possibilities that exist for you in each and every moment. No matter what your reality seems to be at the moment, be awake to the fact that other possibilities exist.

Being aware of illusions of control will help you be awake to possibilities because no matter what or who it seems is in control at the moment, you will have influence if you can just be awake to one other possibility. And one other possibility is always available with just a simple shift in perspective. Your thoughts create your experience of the world, so a new world is only a thought away.

Be Alive

In order to make plays, In order to make plays, it helps to trust that you are a bright, shining, brilliant being who is capable of doing great things big and small.

Be alive with the energy and enthusiasm of life and make plays! Whatever it is you have to do, do it. Whatever it is you desire to do, get after it. You are a living, breathing, blood pumping, thinking, feeling human, so get moving! Use your influence. Connect and communicate with others. Pursue the life you want to live. Make plays! And when you miss a play, let it go with the understanding that this moment is always filled with more opportunities to make another play.